


Hunger Crept In, Addicting In It's Silence

by dontstudywritenovels



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Eating disorders aren't pretty, M/M, Trigger Warnings, major hints of anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa, or fixed by being wanted/desired/loved, previously established relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 05:20:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13675065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontstudywritenovels/pseuds/dontstudywritenovels
Summary: The thing is, if your not looking for someone with an eating disorder, if you don’t know the signs, the build up, if you are used to your boyfriend being a bit lanky and kind of skinny, you aren’t going to notice a relapse.OrDex has been in recovery for an eating disorder for the past few years and has an unexpected relapse. This follows the stages Will goes through with his eating, the struggle of wondering if he even wants to get better and Derek allowing him the space, but support, to get real help.





	Hunger Crept In, Addicting In It's Silence

**Author's Note:**

> If you or anyone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please, please, please seek help [here](https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline). Or call the national help line at (800) 931-2237.
> 
> Before you say anything or give any critic, I am diagnosed bulimia nervosa with anorexic tendencies and this is me venting because I have relapsed. I am receiving help, but a major part of my therapy is writing.
> 
> The songs I listened to while writing this. ([1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ipzbPZ89YM), [2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hi3nbs3bD4), [3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aM2lObw1CbY)).

Dex has been attending therapy since before he even came to Samwell, group meetings and several in and out-patient programs -all provided by state funding and insurance money. It was working, Will had thought it was working, that he was getting better. He no longer needed a nutritionist and wasn't getting constantly weighed. He was down to just seeing his therapist once a week, and he thought he was finally winding down from needing that too.

 

He wasn’t even exactly sure what triggered it because he had been doing so well, and he felt happier most days than not, balanced for once.

 

He had started by packing food away, pies that Bitty had made and muffins that Derek had boughten him, wrapping them up and stuffing them in between tshirts and jeans in his drawers. He started dodging Derek and Chris's requests for lunch, and during team breakfast he’d cut up his food over and over, and move it around his plate now and then, and laugh and talk and act like he was still doing well -because he was. Taking small bites and larger sips, almost gulps, of water.

 

He would think about it all day until he couldn’t think about anything else. Things like how to convince Derek to cancel their dinner date and move it until they went to the movies instead or to the gym or anywhere were he wasn’t confronted with a plate in front of him, how to fast for just a little bit longer, _how to keep going for a bit longer._

 

Will would stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom attached to their room, sweater lifted up, fingers counting his ribs one by one, two by two, three by three, until he was satisfied he had done it correctly -that he could see them all individually. His collarbones were his favorite though, he would rub them in class and appreciated when shirts showed them slightly.

 

His therapist was starting to catch on, asking him to start coming two times a week again, seeing how he was losing weight so fast again, and he was always a lanky kid, it showed easily. He smiled and acted confused, even though an hour ago he had binged on some of Bitty’s cookies and cried on his way here.

 

He was avoiding being naked in front of the team, opting out of intacimacing with Derek, sex, but also spooning and overall touch. The Coaches were starting to eye him wearily, and Dex knew he needed to stop, gain some of the weight back, and _just fucking make things easy for once in his life._ But he likes it, he likes how it feels to be empty and the lightness that it gives him. Will enjoys when he crossed the 24 hour line, the 48 hour line when he’s fasting and it feels like he’s winning.

 

The thing is, if your not looking for someone with an eating disorder, if you don’t know the signs, the build up, if you are used to your boyfriend being a bit lanky and kind of skinny, you aren’t going to notice a relapse.

 

Despite Will’s best efforts to wake him up that morning, so he could actually get to his lecture on time, Derek was still stumbling out of bed ten minutes before his class started. Shoving himself into his pants, shoes slipped on and barely tied, and he opened his drawer and-

 

empty.

 

He had forgotten to take his laundry out of the washer last night. He looked over to Will’s dresser. He wouldn’t mind if Derek wore one of his shirts, it was kind of an emergency, plus Dex stole his sweaters all the time.

 

He yanked open Dex’s drawer, stumbling when he almost yanked it all the way out. “Fuck,” he mumbled as he shuffled through the shirts to find one that might fit, he would refold them later. He saw Dex’s oversized Deadliest Catch shirt that Derek bought him off Amazon for his birthday as a joke, and he smiled for a moment before reaching for it.

 

He yanked the shirt out and something fell from the drawer with it, rolling onto the floor. Derek swore as he glance down, stuffing Dex’s drawer shut again, clothes a mess inside. Nursey stared at the napkin wad for a moment, blinking. He scrunched his nose at the smell when he went to pick it up, unwadding it and peering at the moldy muffin inside.

 

“Why would Dex-”

 

Derek set the muffin on top of the dresser as he hesitated. Wondering if he should just let it go. Derek slid open the drawer. Fries, another muffin, some pie. Derek opened the next drawer, a grilled cheese and a turkey sandwich, followed by the hot dog he had presented Dex last night from the stand near the art hall. All at different stages of decomposition, molding, rotting, having gone uneaten.

 

Derek stepped back until he landed on his bunk, sitting there in shock. Derek’s head shot up at the sound of the door, Dex having made it back from his run.

 

“Hey, I thought you’d be at class-” Dex caught sight of the hotdog in his hands, looking over to the other unwrapped foods on his dresser.   

 

“Why, why do you have that? Why are you going through my drawers?” Dex was shaking, a hand up rubbing at his throat, slightly under his hoodie. Derek looked up at him, worried he might say something that might be the wrong thing, he hesitated.

 

“I needed to borrow a shirt for class,” he choked out. Will’s face was flushed, hands and arms tight against himself, gaze on the floor. “I don’t know what this is. I just, I know you didn’t want me to find out, and I’m sorry I found out without you wanting me to, but Dex this doesn’t look _okay_. _You don’t seem okay_.”

 

“I’m not. I’m not fucking okay,” Will rubbed at his eyes. “I thought it was fine.”

 

“How long-” Derek cut himself off, taking a breath. “You don’t have to be okay, or fine all the time Dex.”

 

“Before I came to Samwell, in high school. It’s,” Dex hesitated as Nursey sucked in a breath, “I’m seeing a therapist, but I don’t know if it’s enough, anymore. I don’t know what happened, I was doing better. _I was better._ At least, I thought I was.”

 

Derek stood from the bed, taking a moment to set down the hotdog, to wrap himself around Will, pulling the redhead into a hug, trying not to cringe at the difference in the body he used to know so well, how in so little time what a large difference had been made.

 

“Okay.” Nurse said as Dex shook against him, rubbing circles into the redhead's back. “I can’t, fuck, Will, I love you. But, no matter how much I want this to be better, that I want you to be okay, this has to be you, no matter how much I want to fix this, not, not you, you don’t need fixing, but how much I want to fix _this_. I can’t make you okay, I know that, but I’m here for you and I love you, however you need me.”

 

“Just, just stay with me for a bit?”

 

“Of course.”

 

* * *

 

“There’s an outpatient program half an hour away, in Boston, it’s on Wednesdays.” Dex said. Him and Nursey were at Norris, multiple textbooks spread out in front of them. Derek looked up at him.

 

“That’s good, I could give you a ride, if you need.” Derek offered.

 

“I don’t know. I can get, like, competitive?” Dex made eye contact with Nursey. “So being around other people who are, are, you know-”

 

“Struggling.”

 

Dex nodded, “Who are _struggling_ , can be hard. Especially since I’d probably be the only guy there. Sorry, I just mean-”

 

“I know, Will, don’t worry about it. Do you think it will help? Or do you want something else?” Nurse offered.

 

“I think I can try it.” Dex shrugged. “And I wouldn’t mind the ride? If you’re free.”

 

“Course, habibi, but I may need help with this problem as payment.” Dex rolled his eyes, but he was smiling.

 

When Dex got out of the meeting he didn’t say much or really talk at all, Derek tried not to push as they drove back to the Haus in silence. When they were almost there, Will finally spoke up.

 

“It was fine. I was the only guy, but they seemed nice.” Derek glanced at him, but Dex was staring out the window. “They were tiny, fuck, but, I don’t know, I wasn’t jealous. I felt kind of bad? Maybe. Like they _actually_ needed help?”

 

“You don’t think you need help? Or you don’t think you deserve help?” Derek asked. Will didn’t respond.

 

They pulled up in front of the Haus. Getting through the door the two d-man heard shouts coming from the kitchen immediately. The team sat around the table, hollering at the d-men to come join them.

 

“We waited to eat dinner so you guys could join!” Chowder cheered. It was instinct for Derek to look at Dex, but despite the new develop, Will seemed calm.

 

“Come on, I’m starving,” Shitty was apparently visiting because why wouldn’t he be. Holster and Ransom too as they were cheering over the potatoes, which is probably why they were having this team dinner in the first place, to spend time with the grads.

 

Dex and Nurse took their place and dinner began without a hitch, bowls and plates being passed around and it was a lot of food. Nursey kept sending looks to Will throughout the meal, but he seemed to be just fine, eating, swallowing, what was on his plate and laughing along now and then. It was fun, and it was nice to see Dex so carefree around food.

 

When the pie came out, Derek should have probably excused himself and Will, taken some of the pressure off, because when Bitty offered Dex a piece and he tried to decline, the graduated d-men weren’t having it, but Derek couldn't have known.

 

“Come on, dude, you’re super skinny lately.”

 

“Like ghostly skinny, Dex.”

 

Ransom and Holster looked at each other simultaneously, laughing about protein and how they were becoming Jack.

 

“Here, honey,” Bitty said, serving a piece onto Dex’s plate before moving onto Chowder who was clapping excitedly, “It’s your favorite.”

 

Dex stared down at the pie, then up at Nurse before he noticed Shitty staring intently at him, sitting beside his boyfriend. Dex took a bite before he could talk himself out of it, trying not to savor the flavor, trying not to get used to it.

 

Before he knew it they had all moved into the living room, laughing and talking, but Dex couldn’t help but think about what was inside him right now, what he had eaten. His skin felt so small, constricting and he just need to get out, _get it out-_

 

He was heading to the bathroom in a second, Nursey called out for him weekly, but Dex tossed something about how _he was fine, Nurse. Just need to take a piss_ over his shoulder and Derek forced himself to stay put.

 

Willed himself not to follow, to trust Dex, trust that Dex was okay. Shitty knew better though, following Dex down the hall after the door closed, listening and there it was not a second later. The _retching_.

 

Shitty leaned against the door to listen better and Derek only meant to call Shitty off, not to stop the chattering of the team that was Dex's cover.

 

“Shitty, dude, I’m sure Dex is fine-”

 

Bitty was on it in a second.

 

“Is Dex feeling sick? I hope it wasn’t the food! Oh my, I thought that chicken looked suspicious-”

 

Shitty shushed him, and suddenly everyone wanted to get closer to the door and it was so _silent_ and they could _hear_ Dex puking.

 

“Dexy, dude, you alright?” Ransom stood outside the door frame, but Dex didn’t answer. The bathroom was silent, and Derek was at the door handle in an instant.

 

“Will, fuck, please let me in.” Derek shoved himself against the door. Holster, catching on, began to shove at the door as well, trying to pop it open. Suddenly, Chowder was slamming himself against the frame until the door swung open.

 

Dex was sitting in front of the toilet, gripping the edge of the sink as he heaved, choking on his breath, forehead leaning on the floor. Derek was in the bathroom in an instant clutching Dex against him, mummering whatever he could think of, trying to get Dex to look at him.

 

Bitty had a mouth other his hand, staring, all of the team was, just staring at Dex’s hand dripping with saliva and puke as tremors ran through the redhead's body.

 

“I’m sorry,” his voice was hoarse, head resting against Nurse’s chest. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

 

Derek only shushed him, rubbing his back, trying to soothe his boyfriend. Taking toilet paper Derek began wiping at Dex’s face and chin, cleaning his fingers last. Gently swiping the warm water between the two digits as Dex continued to heave shuddering breaths against him.

 

Derek looked up at the team, “Give us some space, he needs some air.” The rest of the team back away slowly, going back to the couch in silence. Only the sounds of Derek’s whispering and Dex’s apologizing in the air.

 

“You’re gonna be just fine, Dex. Fuck your so strong, Will. Take a breath for me, that’s it deep breaths. I love you so much, Habibi, so much. Okay that’s it-”

 

“Just breath.”

 

End.

**Author's Note:**

> I LIVE OF KUDOS AND COMMENTS
> 
> Visit my [tumblr](https://dontstudywritenovels.tumblr.com/ask)! I'm always looking to fulfill prompts. For free obvi((:
> 
> some notes:
> 
> 1\. Apparently Norris is the name of the Samwell library, I had no idea.  
> 2\. When Derek is trying to prevent the team from finding out, it's about Will's privacy and since he is already getting help, unless he wants to tell people, it isn't Derek's business to until it became apparent that he needed to get that door open.  
> 


End file.
